Dear Mom

So a year ago I ran a marathon which is 26.2 miles. My training for this race was built on cockyness, I believed my high school cross country training was enough. Month's before this race I ran around, but I didn't prepare for what the race really was. 26.2 miles doesn't sound far on paper, so I didn't train. 3 weeks before the race I did some runs in the hot middle of the day, a week before the race I passed out doing 12 miles. I remember telling my mom"I don't think I can do this, if I can't run a long run of 13 miles how am I supposed to 26" and she told me I have to train for it, I can't just go out and run a marathon. My mom is a huge roll model, she's ran 14 marathons and 2 iron man's. She might not be the fastest athlete, but she's the reason why I run. I finished that marathon with heart. My mom inspired me a week before a marathon to kick it into overdrive, she told me I could finish and reminded me of my running ability. If it wasn't for I would've quite. So with very little training, but a whole lot of experience running I finished that race with a time of 3 hours and 29 minutes. My goal was 3 hours and 30 minutes. I achieved my goal pushing through pain I would and will gladly take again just to cross that finish line. It's an unbelievable feeling to achieve such a feet by yourself, no one can help you but your own will power.

Lance Armstrong ran a marathon with 3, 4 mile training for a marathon. I think he ran a max of 6 miles and if he ran more it wasn't by much. He ran his race in sub 3 hours, now I'm not putting a comparison on our abilities, but I pulled a Lance. That's how I think of it anyway. And it's funny this Sunday I am running the Livestrong Austin Marathon and guess who else is running? Lance Armstrong. Ohhhhh Yes! And this time I trained, I've put in so many miles and times that I just stopped keeping track. I just go running and to turn on the fire I think of who I'm running this race for. Thanks mom, this race is for you. Lance's ass is grass.

Karma

I believe what goes around comes around, simple as that. I also believe everything happens for a reason, heres why.
So theres this girl Karly and she's a big girl, not Adele big, but she's rolling in the deep end of the buffet line. I admit I treated her to a date to the movies, I RegrettED it because I only had one intention and that was to get blown like John Coltrane's saxophone. Thankfully I didn't get blown so it was just a date nothing more. After I told her straight up lets just be friends and when she offered with benefits I declined. Ok so that was weeks ago, I texted her last week asking where the beer pong was at and I got a reply back saying it's her birthday Saturday and I should come. Usually that never happens, but I went with it and ended up going to Karly's party. This is the story.

So when I got the invitation I immediately consulted my buddies back home James Mata and Ethan Hall. I called each one individually to ask what is the big girl and hot friend ration. Both of my friends saw the chance of good looking women there, so we're probably looking at a 2:1 ratio. I would still go if it was a 3:1 ratio just for the game of pong. Our calculations ended up being way off. I get off work and wrap Karly's present just to present myself as the first guest to a conjoined birthday party with 3 people. I didn't know it was a group party, so I didn't take into the account of the other women and what they pull. Being the unknown person at a party, I'm pretty reserved till an activity presents itself. As they took shots I sipped out of my flask trying to pace myself, I'm in it for the long hall. Finally after enough waiting for the party to start pong gets setup. I get matched with Karly and she seems to flirt with me like I was the lucky guy who gets to sing"birthday sex" to her. Karly as a team mate is fine, but when she wasn't focused, she just kept grinding my nuts and its like woah lady I don't want it. I wanted to win, and we did, we won another game and finally she looks at me and asks for a kiss. With all the ATTRACTIVE women around(yeah, our calculations were way off) it would be suicide to give a kiss, so I said no. After that moment I reminded her we are friends, nothing more and man did that move pay off. Not only did we lose after that, but Karly stopped following me around so I was free to roam alone. I could walk up to people, introduce myself instead of her telling people who I was. Some girls already knew me as the guy who took Karly on a date. One particular time I told a girl I wanted to get to know her mono de mono and I got shot down for being Karly's guy. That's horseshit. Whatever. I left it at that, but it didn't stop me from truckin' on.
Being new and drunk has an extreme challenge to partying, remembering girls names. I mean I can remember the ones I NEED to remember, but anything under the B- list poses a challenge. Like the girl who bought her red frame glasses at Lense Crafters, I have no idea what her name is. But Shannon Oh man did she have the prettiest smile. I can impress people with my beer pong shot, how else do you think I caught a glimpse of Shannon's white pearls. But my partner Josh on the other hand just got out of jail just to get raped on the pong table. He couldn't make a shot, but since he was my original partner from the beginning of the rager, he didn't hate me for my shit talking. I had enemies and Josh, the kinda combination that doesn't help with the getting laid factor. I did the best thing I could do and just cool off from the table.
I sat in on group conversations, being social, but apparently too social. I introduced myself to all the women present and some I persisted on. Destiny, from the moment I heard her name I had an advantage. "Hello I'm Jacob and I have some feeling we were destined to meet" easy line, nothing too bold and it worked. Destiny and I had some flirtation goin' on and I was told a guarantee something at the end of the night. Destiny also was shit faced and I didn't want to watch over her, so I moved to Nikki, but some guy already was pulling moves on her and I didn't want to be the cock block guy. I chatted with Becky and late in the night when we were going to talk one on one I got kicked out of the party. Yup. Just like that.
Becky is this girl I met previously months back at this party I went to when I first moved to Texas. Last time we met we shared a cigarette and that was the move I pulled again.  I insist we go outside to smoke just for the reason I don't need loud drunks ruining my game. As she walks into the kitchen to find her lighter, big bad Austin tells me the owner of the house wants me out. This is where I believe Karma came in, Its up to the reader to decide. Instinctively I'm offended and hurt, but I don't fight it to much because maybe the owner did want me out for some reason and I don't want to be that guy. So at 3am I walk to my car and fall asleep and at 6am I wake up soaked in piss. I've pissed myself, I don't know what it is, but when I drink too much there is a possibility I can wake up in my own urine. Now imagine if I didn't get booted from the party, I am 98% sure that I would've just pissed somewhere else in the party house. Which would be a nightmare, I have yet to piss myself in front of strangers, but I can only assume I would be dubbed the biggest douche at the party. So am I glad I got kicked out? Yeah.
It wasn't in the cards for Destiny and I to bang and I'm ok with that.

My Friends

dear Readers hold the phone for I have a poem
Valentines day is near and yet I still roam alone
a year has neared by and I have no date
No one to blame for it is my own mistake
Grow some balls I have been told
My friends remind me I am still gold
I need not be nervous or over think a purpose
Just walk up to a lady and offer my service
My friends remind me I am not crazy
And that advice has been helping lately
Maybe I'll find a date by the end of the week
Or maybe I'll make a friend I didn't intend to meet
All I know are my friends are among the elite
If coolness was a smell, They'd reek.

The Blurps

I'm hungry, but not enough to make my stomach rumble, so I'm a secret hungry. I secretly want to ask someone at the school library if they are hungry too. I don't want to be hungry alone just as I wouldn't want to die alone. I gotta fix that problem, just walk up, ask the girl next to me if her appetite is calling, but I don't want to interrupt her from finishing her math. So I don't. The girl in front of me is too busy on facebook and we all know how that is. I would walk alone to the cafe, but that's not a gamble I'm prepared for. I have 25 dollars cash in my wallet, which is enough for gas and tea. The only way that 25 bucks would be spent differently is if a mamma cita needed to answer the calling of her appetite in a no cell phone zone. If it was apparent and clear a women with tits was hungry I would say" we gotta feed those porkers, c'mon to Simon's cafe we go". I wouldn't say that, but something along those lines, I don't say anything because it's weird. It's weird to hear a stranger ask you to lunch, so why would I step into no-mans land. Women don't like weird, "girls just like cars and money" as quoted by Good Charlotte. Unfortunately all my money is spent maintaining my scion, so I only attract women infatuated with a full tank of gas. Which is weird. Cyndi Lauper once pointed out that girls just want to have fun. Unfortunately Simon's cafe doesn't have a trampoline, so I'm stuck with weird. Until I hear a stomach grumbling I'll continue sitting in the computer lab, waiting, watching, listening for my moment to strike "C'mon lets feed dem titties".
On a serious note weird needs to be addressed. If I start a sentence with "Ya I know this sounds odd..." Then I already know the situation can be weird. Don't judge a clean shaven man for being weird if he knows what kind of situation he is walking into. A black girl complimented me today and it was weird. She just walked up and told me I should be a model. Cool. I should also eat lunch "would you like to join?". Too bad I didn't say that for if I did I wouldnt hungry with a huge erection in the library.


PS I don't have an erection now. jk.