It's Time to Expose the Truth!

You can't always trust craigslist, men hook up with other men too easily on a site where you can also pick up free dirt. Craigslist is dirty, if you look under the personal section some people are too comfortable with themselves. Pictures of hideous women are common, cute girls are rare, but I found where the jewels hide. I have much experience with craigslist, I've sold, bought, and posted. Judge me how you wish, but I occasionally look at the personal ads to see whats up. I've emailed girls for fun and sometimes serious, but either way it has never been a long conversation. The Jewels actually email me, I get nudes. I put ads up on craigslist like this:

I stopped adding pictures of myself because I thought it was weird. Anyway, so these ads would brings women like Brittany Brooks who say a flirty message with a cute picture. I'd respond be like
 "dear brittany,
My names Jake, I run and like to play beerpong. Ahh yeah you looked good in that pic.
-Jake"
The chick would be like "ah yeah well your sexy you should join this website so I know its secure for us to fool around ;) by the way there is more where that came from on the website."[2 photo Attachments].
It's not hard to see after a while they're robots, but now there's a new thing. Craigslist personal ads are fake, deceitful, dirty, but suckers of the internet lurk there. Company's hire "sexy" women to send emails with hot pictures opening up to you. They start off with a compliment, then talk about themselves, end it with a local fuckbuddy website link. Shit looks real at first, after investigation I noticed this chick

sent a picture a different chick emailed me long ago(I can't post that one). Friends do not fall for the craigslist personal ads even if its a boring tuesday.

Untitled

So I'm the only one out of my few friends that hasn't tried acid, which seems to be a problem. I haven't caved in and its been discussion for a few days. My Friends are aggressive towards me trying it, one of them threatened to drug me. I told him thats illegal but then he just started telling me his plan to drug me. "I'm just gonna splash some drops on the back of your neck when you don't expect it" my other friend offers advice "It won't all sink in, he'll need more drops". I felt like they were discussing date rape.

Towards the end of the night I told my friend he's a tool. He made a scene like a tool would and called me a kettle. He threw down some metaphor on how I'm a hypocrite. Shocked, I asked "am I tool?" and my world was flipped. I forgot tool is a universal word and can be described multiple ways, I can accept being a tool.

"I really would all like to thank you for coming out tonight, thank you mom and the people who made this was all possible, my coaches D and A", my acceptation speech. It means I have an image to withhold, I need to get with babes and blog more. I can handle that.

1 and 0

For the last few days I've been up to some shady shit. I can't go in depth, but I've been learning how to cook in a meth lab. Just Kidding! I've been watching Breaking Bad, 31 episodes, 2 more and I've watched season's 1-3! The show is wonderful, the dad from Malcolm in the Middle plays a teacher who cooks meth with a badass named Jessie. Jessie falls in love with the dad from Malcolm in the Middle and.....I'm just kidding, that doesn't happen. Its a cool show though so check it out if you like drama shows.
My buddies out here love boxing fights and have been trying to get me into the ring. A kid named "Templin"was supposed to be my first fight, but he had some teeth issues. After a while of waiting I told my friends K and Shane that I'm ready to box whomever, so today I had my fight. I forgot the kids name, but he didn't know it was my first fight. He was not comfortable with the matchup from the beginning. Shane brought up the match and I was pumped, I wanted to face my fear of getting punched in the face. I'll admit I can work on some imperfections, but I should be considered for the next fight night game. It was fun, I definitely want to box more and learn how to take a hit. K taught me how to box and as I was leaving he challenged me, lets see if I can be the undefeated champ.

Ps. I'm working on getting the video of the fight

You're Buyin'

Back when I wasn't blogging for those couple months I still had stories, I stopped telling the stories because I got lazy. But last night reminded me of one.

I forget what month it was, but Ethan, James, and I were just hanging out, James was doing some drinking and Ethan and I got high. Candy at the gas station was always the best thing to do after chillin around a jacuzzi, so we all wanted to go after. But nobody payed for their own snack, it was always one person, so after sitting around Ethan told James that he should buy.

Now Ethan and I always did this to each other, make one person buy, but James didn't understand what he was getting into.

James was drunk, sitting on the floor and he said"If somebody drives I'll buy". I wanted to confirm I heard him say he was agreeing to buy, so I said "James is buyin'" and he said "I'm Buyin'". We all packed into the car to drive down the street. The gas station clerk probably recognized Ethan and I since we always came in to buy candy. I always got peach rings and sometimes Ethan got the same thing, but he never got the same amount. Ethan would stash away bags just to have endless amounts of candy, James didn't know what he got himself into. I got my bag of peach rings and Ethan walked up with beef jerky, skittles, and peach rings, but he didn't just buy beer jerky, he got the 10 dollar pack. I'm laughing because Ethan is trying to convince James that he needs all of the goods in front of the clerk. Eventually James just gave in and spent 20 dollars on snacks(I don't remember if he got anything). On the ride home Ethan kept reminding him he said he was buyin', so James didn't get mad, he just never said he was buying again.

Last night, so I'm chillin with this guy named Kmoney and he says"If you drive to gas station, I'll buy", I confirmed with him "so if I drive, you'll buy?" "yes". As we were driving I kept reminding him that "he's buyin'". Kmoney isn't made out of money, so he kept going"so dude, I got 10 bucks, what are you going to get?". I just laughed, we got to the gas station and I started looking at batterys, gloves, lip balm, ect. in front of him. I don't know if he thought I was serious or weird, but I ended up just getting ice cream and ice tea. Kmoney slid by with his 10 dollar budget, but I don't think wants to agree to buyin' again.

Maintenance

I think people are like a roller coaster, some are more exciting then others, but they all need the same thing, maintenance. Maintenance is needed to keep the roller coaster running, it might be a check up or just complete remodeling. Without Maintenance the coaster is bound to breakdown and people break down. If you have patchy areas of facial hair and you're not shaving it, your maintenance light is on. I used to have a mustache and V.I.P. access to the ugly club, then I listened to my mom. My mom pointed out I wasn't good looking, so then I went under the knife. Now I'm clean cut and my balls are shaved. It might be scary to put a blade to your nuts, but there comes a time to face your fear. Women need maintenance too, I don't know what, but its important. A women without maintenance is like a coaster that breaks down, nobody wants to ride her.

Read GQ magazine, it should help with maintenance problems.

Top 10 songs to Throw on a Mix Cd

This is my opinion, I can't guarantee people will like the songs, but I'd throw one of these winners on a mix. I don't encourage putting the whole list on one cd, then it might seem like your trying to hard.

10. Paper Planes - M.I.A. - I think its always good to put a throwback song like Paper Planes on. This song got big 2 years ago, but its more OG than Lil Wayne's crap out now. People will bob their head remembering where they were when they heard this, it's a keeper.

9. Party Like a Rockstar - Shop Boyz - This song is meant for the people who like to have a good time, if your trying to impress someone, leave this off. I'll admit when I first heard this song I hated it, but after getting a car its one of my favorite songs to be a tool to.

8. I'll Be - Edwin McCain - If your making a cd for a women, there is a 78% chance she's heard this. 

7. Fresh Prince of Bel Air - Will Smith - If you are between the ages 14-35 and you don't know this song then I recommend you let the other person to make you a mix-cd first. Will Smith rapping the theme song for his hit show will win people over.

6. Cooler Than Me - Mike Posner - I'm really going out on a limb on this, but I think this song is a yes. Its main stream, catchy, with a little bit of smooth guitar. I don't recommend putting this on a mix tape for another guy, but thats just me.

5. Trenchtown Rock - Sublime - Mellow song, plus it gets points for being a cover of a Bob Marley and the Wailers original. Its a 2 minute song so it doesn't hurt your disc space. Throw this on with some Jack Johnson, Slightly Stoopid, and Pepper, you'll have a good day.

4. Can You Feel The Love Tonight - Lion King - Yes, I went there. If your parents loved you they took you to see Lion King. Lion King is coming out on Blue Ray October 4th, so its hot right now. If you want a treat for yourself, make a shower singing cd and throw this on.

3. Cobrastyle - Teddybears - I've played this and I've heard people go "I've heard this!", but they didn't know the band. It always pays off to know a lot about music. This song is fun, danceable, and if not overplayed, a gem. Throw this in the middle of a mix and whether the listener is awake or asleep, it will get them moving again.

2. Iris- Goo Goo Dolls - Play it for yourself, if it doesn't win you over, then don't add it.

1. Follow Me - Uncle Kracker - People look past the meaning of this song just to sing-a-long happily. I can't guarantee this song for you, but its always made my mix that much better. Start off the cd with this and the person will gladly start listening all over again.

Comedown

Comedown is a song by Bush and I really connect with it. The chorus goes"I don't want to comedown from this cloud/its taking me all this time to find out what I need yeah". I think everybody can feel that, that point in people's lives where they are so high whether it be from accomplishing their goals or just that feeling and they don't want to come back down. This song does wonders for me while I'm running, but when life is pristine I sit on a cloud. I just like to hangout, meet people, and play beer pong and when that gets going I have no worries. The only thing is when you've been on your cloud all week it sucks getting down. All week I've hung out and lived day-to-day, I got a tattoo, a random girls number, got a nice compliment, ect. little things, but yesterday night I had to comedown. My buddy who has introduced me to the hanging out scene down here sometimes is fickle. I asked if I could hang with him Friday night and he said he'd call. I sat at home watching some bullshit history channel show and flicking over to National Treasure on Bravo until I got a call. I never got a call. I understand nobody wants to hang with the same person everyday, but I think thats rude to say something and not do it. The weekend's not over, so I can still climb back to my cloud. I've hit rock bottom more in Texas than a break-up between 2 lovers, but I've also been optimistic. Hopefully this weekend I can box the shit out of him.

Diamond

Word spread to my other couple friends that I almost had myself a fight against the kid that threw over the table. K was telling me I need to learn how to fight because people in Texas will punch. I don't know how to fight, I just play fight night round 4. I trained on a punching bag. Now I have a fight against my friend Alex soon because I am so confident in my knocking out skills. Other than that I just went into town today to get my first tattoo, just been chillin'

Hanging with Locals

My favorite game I know is pong. Pong takes focus and endurance, I know the rules and play by them. I don't win every game, but I drink. I only know a couple people in Texas and one of them was my partner last night for pong. Robbie aka Tank, has one hell of a shot and can carry a team on his back if needed. Thanks to Robbie we won our games, so as winners we kept playing. One game I don't know if I was seeing things, but I accused a challenger for playing over the table. He was a big guy wearing a skin tight shirt, but he also was playing hands over the table, so I said something. The guy I accused said he wasn't and I was convinced so I replied"go fuck yoself", now I don't mean it in a literal sense, just professionally. He didn't seem to see it that way, instead he just threatened to whoop my ass, so then I won the game to keep him quiet. I shook his hand. I did everything right, I just couldn't finish on the other games, so I had to take a break and mingle with the local kids.
Everybody was really cool just having a good time, telling inside jokes and listening to Sublime. Music is a topic of conversation that naturally came up, the owner of the house is a rapper and so is my best friend. After listening to a couple of his lines, I brought up my buddy Brian"B-Rhymin" and he's on a different level. My friend raps as a kid, but he keeps it real, he only flows to what he knows. Brian keeps making music in California, so all I got is his mixtape and every time I've played it I see heads bob.
The rest of the night was just mingling and seeing what everybody else is about, but in doing so I asked the guy "who-was-going-to-punch-me's" girlfriend if she wanted to bang. She said no, but I got a pretty girls number who promised to be on my pong team. Last night was a good reminder of what a good time is

Driving with Check Engine On

It kinda sucks, I always think my car cant make it up a hill. I drive in the slow lane not because its fun, but so then my engine doesn't blowup. To put stress on my car I became a delivery driver for Papa Johns pizza. I'll drive 30 minutes to drop off a 14 dollar pizza for a 2 dollar tip. One lady said"I hope this is enough" after giving me a $1.50 tip, I almost said"yeah, I'm sure that will pay for my college"(I'm not going to college this semester). I've dropped off pizza's in areas I feel as if a redneck would shoot me(I live in Texas now). Imagine driving 11 at night "in the hood" and every 3 houses down 1 will actually have an address out front. It was a late night and my manager asked to deliver a pizza "in the hood", but I didn't know the area since it was my first week as a driver, so I didn't know what position I was about to be in. As my shitty gps keeps losing signal through the trees I can't see any numbers on the houses, so I improvise and keep turning my phone off and on till it gets a signal. When it finally gets something it leads me to an area where the houses are dark and beatdown. All I see is a bunch of mailboxes packed together and I had to go door to door till I got the right one, feeling as if a shotgun was about to be pressed to the back of my head by a bunch of hillbilly gremlins. I survived and so has my car for the past week, sometimes the light will go away and crush me another day. I live day to day, but I also live a completely different life in Texas. Before, I lived in Huntington Beach with a run on pch every morning. Now I run through hills and trails. On a recent run I thought I saw a wolf running and I thought"Oh shit, what would I do if a wolf attacked me right now" if a wolf came at me I'd try to wrestle it. As I was thinking this over I ran over what seemed to be a bunch of snake holes, same thought popped up. What would I do if a snake charged me? Probably run and scream, but that would give my position away to the wolves. So now I live in Texas reppin the California license plate, watching discovery channel every night before bed, hoping I learn something that can get me through the next day.

Ps
if you encounter a wolf, don't act agressive

Very Nice, I like You

I had this huge post about Saturday night, but it got deleted and I don't want to re-type a story of James Mata throwing up on himself, that was a big moment. This week I haven't done much because my car is in the shop, so I have to hangout a lot, I don't really have a story of me playing red dead redemption, but Thursday, now this is all Ethan's genius, we woke up and went to get Krispy Kreams all over in Mission Viejo, its far, and he goes"shoot I forgot something" and I was like what the heck, what could we miss after order 2 dozen glazed and 2 chocolate, Ethan needed to go around again to get Krispy Kream hats for us to wear. Love him. His logic was "Your damn right I'm eating Krispy Kream" but as we were driving home he goes,"do you want to enjoy this on the beach?" I say "yes" so we drive all the way to Laguna wearing our Krispy Kream hats, Ethan puts 15 minutes in the meter, we go enjoy our donuts for 20 minutes on the beach, as we leave a cop is walking our direction and Ethan sees a ticket on his dashboard starts yelling and rips up the ticket. Hanging with him is always a guaranteed good time. I don't really have any big stories for this week, but I can tell you about work. So its getting close to summer time, this is around the same time Oakley hired me, so that means all the other new people are getting hired around now and its great. I like to go up to the new people and tell them a lie on my life because they will believe anything. I told this one guy I make a 1000 dollars on weekend because I'm security for bands at the Verizon amphitheater and I've covered everybody from Eminem to the Beatles(he believed me on the Beatles thing cause he's a bean, I told him they still play minus John Lennon) this one kid who's my age I went up to him like this"Sup new kid, 50 cents!" like hand it over because I'm a bully. I think its pretty fun for a day because people start talking and then they stop believing me. At work last night for some reason I just was happy and having a good day, so I start giving out nicknames and when people start handing out nicknames it seems to me everybody wants one. I go up to this cool guy named Frank and I go "if you call me Grizzly(I'm working real hard on getting people to call me that) I'll call you Kemosauby" and then my Frank asks Noah who he is and Noah goes"Big worm" and I say"No your Tree Trunk". This starts everything because little nicknames to me turns into a gang that I'm in charge of, so I start calling us TFL(my old rap group). So I start hanging out names we got: Tarzan, Mouse, Single Phat, Tree Trunk, Pringle, Bossman, Jackie Chan, Grizzly, Alicia Keys,  and Kemosauby. With those names I create TFL and would talk like we are thug life to members, like I went up to Single Phat and was like"Yo man, somebodys been leaking info like a snitch, who do you think it is""(he thinks I'm serious) Yo man what? I don't know man""I think Mouse is being a Rat, we should kick him out of the gang....". Conversations like that happen all night, I don't know how long the nicknames will last, but I like to press my luck, so it'll probably be run into the ground by next week.
PS
There is now a women who works the nightshift who is my age who is good looking, I guarantee I'll have a story out of that.

My Jetpack

So last week I was telling this guy I work with some ideas I have for shirts, I love thinking what would be sick on mens T-shirts. I told him some of my ideas because he has a t-shirt company and I just wanted to get feedback from him to see what he thought. I told him on of my favorites, its a claw machine filled with money but it picks up a teddy bear with diamonds for eyes. I know. Its cool. He kinda just was like yeahyeah thats cool man, not showing that much interest. 2 days later I get a call from my buddie James Mata who works with this guy too and James was saying that this guy I was talking to made a shirt with my idea. I didn't know what to do, I was flattered, but I'm kinda pissed that his best shirt is my idea and he acted like he didn't give a shit. Oh by the way, he's one of my bosses. I can't say much to this guy, but today I saw he made another version of it which means he still holds onto my idea like its his and its like c'mon man get your own ish. At work he acts like nothing wrong, so I think I'm just going to do water under the bridge and make a rough draft of all my ideas since I don't know photoshop that well and show him up. I have a lot ideas I just need to teach myself on how to do them. I'm deciding on a name I like "Dream Drawn", "φαντασία" which is imagination in Greek, and Ben Trovato which is Italian for "well found". I'm working on other, but if I manage to photoshop a couple shirts I'll post them so people who read my blog can get an idea of what I got going on.

Oh and I absolutely love this picture I found it today

if you are interested in photography or art check out this website:http://koormann.de/blog/files/category-photography.php

its super cool!

Currently My Favorite

Well this is going to be one of my favorite stories. Ever. It may just be a you-had-to-be-there story or it maybe it will make you laugh your faces off. Last week my buddie texted me saying"Party far away are you down?". Yes. I find the deets, the adventure starts on a beautiful Saturday. This party is 5 hours away and I have work in the morning, but I'm willing to be spontaneous. I had this huge dinner date with cinnamon toast crunch, but I stood it up for this kinda thing. The trip starts and of course it is full of laughs with all the excitement and adrenaline, we have a long way ahead of us but it was looked at as a good bonding moment. I bonded with my buddies Jordan Limbo and James Mata, the perfect number of people, 3, the best personalities mixed, loud, quiet, neutral, and all of us good looking. We are in for a night of our lives. We didn't understand how far away 5 hours is of constant driving so we took it easy, made a couple pit stops, bought a lot of food, and lied to our connections. The people we knew would call and they said"How far are you away?" James just got an iphone that day so he said"3 hours" Jordan would tell them "2". The whole trip we lied to our friends, so they thought we were never coming up, like they'd call and we'd say we are 30 minutes away when we had an hour and a half. Its happened all night, but since we were running late with all of our stops, we had to cut down on time and the only way we could do that without speeding even more is: going to the bathroom while driving. Picture the Dumb and Dumber scene when Jim Carrey is peeing in a bottle so that they can get away from Seabass, but the driver has to pee. We are flying at 85 in bat-country when Jordan decides to go"I gotta pee" I was like"well stop" he said"nope can't do it, no time, we gotta keep driving"(I'm riding passenger seat and James is passed out in the back). Jordan says"I'm going to put the car in cruise control, you get in the back while I switch seats and drive" I said "no" a bunch of times, but Jordan wanted this moment to say he actually did this instead of talking about he did. I climbed in the back, stood over james, he woke up and freaked out like why am I standing over him while the car is driving with nobody in the drivers seat....yet. I climbed into the seat to start driving, Jordan went to pee and couldn't. Me and James starting singing"Shy guy shy guy" we teased him like little girls on the playground saying"na nana na nana" Jordan couldn't pee for a while and it was great cause when you talk big about getting with women as much as he did you better be able to pee in a cup with your best friends surrounding you. We finally are within 20 minutes away and the crew says to me"Don't be yourself Jake" and I laughed because I thought it was a joke, no, they were serious. My sense of humor comes off me being a "dick", but to me everything is a joke, so when I say"you're probably the dumbest women here" I don't mean it at all, but only a hand full of people understand that. So I told myself I will take it easy and not be so bold, kinda let things just happen and not force anything, thats probably the biggest factor I had so much fun. We get to the party and it is bumpin, after finding a parking spot we all rush out to get a piece of the action, but we are all wearing flannels and we didn't know it, so the women walking behind us kept on going"I didn't know this was a flannel party, thats cute they all drove together wearing the same outfits....ect". Heres a couple things, I'm embarrassed right now that women are mocking me already, but I know they wouldn't be doing it like they were if they weren't drunk, so I knew:

1. We showed up Fashionably late.
2. Girls are going to be easy to impress
3. And I'm perfectly sober to watch life's greatest entertainment; drunk bitches.

We were able to contact our friends from the party, get passed security and watch one of my favorite nights unfold. We walked straight in the house first to get some buzz before we go out there. Now our friends house is the house in between the party, so the people that can't get in try to get through security use the house to cross over or people try to come in to save time or use the bathroom. People were going crazy trying to break in, making up stories to say they are connected to the frat/sorority some how, claiming they left something inside the house, or even picking up a drunk friend left in the bathroom. Meet Samantha. I've been in the house for 2 minutes now and I've dealt with a douche bag that sent me to security twice even though I was confirmed by multiple people and people claiming they want to pickup Samantha. I don't know anyone here besides my friends I drove up with and the ones I met in that 2 minutes, so I don't know who the hell Samantha is and people in the house are telling me to shut the door its just a bunch of women lying trying to get in. I shut the door and out of the bathroom comes Samantha with her hand over her mouth screaming"jkvbcakjvnelkqn" and literally right after I hear somebody yell"Samantha get back in there" like she's a prisoner and Samantha just screeches high pitch complaints while scurrying over like a squirrel to the bathroom. It was going to be a good night. My friend Jordan took fancy to this girl who had her boobs hanging out so anything she said was right"This isn't even a crazy party I'm from Hollywood and we do this every night" "Yeah baby you can party hard, you can party all night long" When clearly she can't cause her tit is coming out constantly. Jordan calls her"the Rack" and the Rack sees all the people trying to bust in and says"I'm a boxer I'll take any bitch out" so I say"Yeah? Show me your Muhammad ali float like a butterfly sting like a bee"(she starts swinging away at air) Jordan says"Look at you baby nothing can stop you" and the Rack goes"I know I box with professionals". I live for this stuff. We start drinking to get things going for us since its already 10:30pm so me and Jordan do around 5 shots and we are good, James keeps going I counted 8 all within 2 minutes. James is somewhat of an alcoholic, he loves getting drunk and doing it fast. Me and Jordan want to actually remember the night. We do our shots and go outside and the party is bumbin. The theme is around the world so around this DJ they have 3 open bars titled: China, Mexico, and Hawaii because Hawaii is equally important to some of the biggest countries. As we are going to the bars we are seeing they are all out, we showed up too late, but then the delivery boy comes to the bar with more handles and that was like money on the floor, people just scrambled to get 1. We got 2. We head over to Mexico and just love each other, yell unimportant facts, and slap women's butts. Jordan found it to be a game to grab a women's boob right in front of her or slap her butt to get a reaction. He played this well because the whole night he got away with it, accept once. Since he would walk in front of me women thought I was slapping their butts when we passed them. Women were drunk so he could easily tell them it was somebody else if he got caught, but this one time James is standing next to a women who has her boob out so Jordan slides his hand around James like a snake to grab her boob, but she was able to trace back the hand to his arm and even still it wasn't like she got mad with him, he just got caught. Mexico is poppin' everybody is just pouring handles into each others mouths like water out of a drinking fountain and Jordan and James start hyping me up to this girl. They tell this girl I'm going to be famous and a millionaire by being a standup comedian, they say I'm hilarious and a "one of a kind". If I was acting myself I would've already said all that by now. The girl starts looking at me like I'm Fabio and I get with her, but it was weird because I'm drunk but not enough to forget I'm surrounded by people and her best friends, so I feel weird and just offer to go somewhere else, she says"No I can't I have a boyfriend"......then dress like an amish lady not like a lady who gets down in Mexico. I take a couple sips of the magic water and even though I remember what happened I don't know what thoughts made me do it. Jordan tells me to grab some booty I hold on to booties, the longer the better, and if I get caught the harder the laugh. The group decides to go check out China and China is now next to the piss river, but it still happens to be a poppin' place. The group some how splits up so Jordan goes with our friends from the party and me and James hang out in China. Since I'm drunk I am fine with that, I find this girl who I know was hot, I know this for a fact, we were talking, flirting back in forth which may have sounded like"yourrrrrr pretttvy" and she was like"ahhh yourrrrrrr so cheeeeesvy I luv it". I ask her to go to a room, she goes"Let me tell my friends". Yes. I win. Point one for the boys back home. No. As I'm walking away with her this big lady resting against the pole holding "China" together, she grabs my shoulder and I don't know what happenned here, but we made eye contact and she pulled me forward to makeout with her. Now I knew my hot girl existed and I tried to pull away, but I think I went in for a kiss and goodbye, but she wanted dinner and a movie if you know what I mean. So I gave her a kiss, look for my girl, she pulls me back and starts smashing with my face. Her friends start cheering"Go Melissa!" like its okay to rape me and say"Its your birthday!" like they either just remembered or they were acting like Tina the Talking Tummy deserved some action from me because it was her birthday. I couldn't escape Melissa maybe because it was her birthday, or maybe shes stronger than me, or maybe I enjoyed a good time with a big girl and when I say big I'm not talking Norbit big I'm talking some girls have booties you have 1 hand and takes over a good part of the cheek, but Melissa required a little more work than one hand to take a whole cheek. Thats the best I can describe her besides having a pretty face and a shitty purple 15 cent crown from Party City saying"Birthday Girl". I got with a big chick. Whatever. I remember she was nice enough to consider to take her into a room. I know it sounds bad as I described her, but theres no way I can find her on facebook to see what I was really dealing with. I asked her to go to a room and she said"I can't leave my friends" um well the hot chick you stole me from was willing to call it a night with her friends, your friends barely know its your birthday. I lost enthusiasm and tried to leave, but she took my beanie off and threw it somewhere off the ground so I had to look for it in her little area she posted up with. Believe me, she kept pulling me closer, I know I could've knocked her teeth out or something, but I was drunk. The cops come and this is when I can't fully remember every event. I just remember me and Melissa got together for around 5 minutes and I lost James, so when I finally looked up I saw him walking around, I felt so bad because I completely left him to travel "China" alone. I find him and I say"I'm so sorry man, are you okay" and he says"Dude I just got with 3 girls", classic. I get a text from Jordan saying"Go to Mexico", but I don't remember how I initially found him because my memory starts up again with just me, Jordan, and James hanging in the house, without our friends that live there. We couldn't find them, but while waiting on the couch these good looking women are just waiting for their friend too, so I start to talk to them. They ask me where I go to school I say "SFS" and the girls go "huh?" I tell them I call "SFS" San Francisco state because thats what the locals call it. I make a fake identity because community college is so boring and its fun to be anything you want in the world if you're a good lier. The girl goes"Oh my gosh I live there!" my stomach sinks in, she was asking me about restraunts and attractions. I've never been to San Francisco, my knowledge of what actually goes down there is that they have Alcatraz and a flamboyant gay community, so I tell her"Yeah I just started going there, I don't know much" BOOM! Sold it right to a drunk girl. Conversation dies, but we hear of a party near by, so we head over there hoping that our friends are there. We walk over and this place is like every guy brought there girl that they had from the party next door and all I'm thinking is "I am so glad I don't have to hang out with Melissa and her friends for the rest of the night". Our friends aren't there, but the douche who questioned me at the beginning of the party is and he is drunk. He starts picking a fight with this guy in the front lawn and starts taking off his clothing, me and Jordan start chanting"Fight! Fight! Fight!", which isn't the best thing to do when you know nobody and your friends you do know are missing, plus he didn't like me from earlier I'm sure. We walk across and find our friends, but James is passed out drunk in the house, so we take our friends in the house they get me a pull-out couch then we go find James. James is up against a door claiming he's been trying to open it for hours when we've only been there for 3, the door won't open I give up, leave our friends with James to figure out how to bust into their own room. I crash out on the pull-out couch without a pillow and a super shitty blanket and I heard James kick down the door and that was the night. James kicked down a door to this girls room we met and hooked up with her, that is what a lumberjack is, so James if you read this, respect.
We woke up and we had to go because me and James had work, but I needed to find my beanie that Melissa threw, so I go outside to find it with James, but it is nowhere to be found. While We're out there James remembers nothing from the night so I have to tell him he "he hooked up with 3 girls within 5 minutes", but he remembers nothing. I don't find my beanie, but I find some friends I made last night and we started talking about the party. Apparently for the 3 open bars the people in charge wanted to decorate the area more fun, so they took bottles of captain morgan and filled it with highlighter chemicals and water to make it look cool, but when the bars started running out of stuff people started drinking this chemical water. I was staring at bottle that was half filled and you know that person took at least 2 sips. Classic. We made our goodbye with our friends and headed home. It was the night of our lives, obviously I can't type everything that happened, but I hopefully I gave enough details to tell it was a good night. I did eat fast food, but I managed to party like a rockstar with the unknown legend Melissa and that is worth breaking a rule.

R.I.P. Vans gray Beanie. You were loved by women, my dad, and myself. You  died in the best way you could.

My Dilemma

I don't have problems in life, I live pretty worry free, I got car insurance, gas, bread, chocolate milk and after that its just fun money spending time, but I do have situations I don't know how to deal with. Probably the biggest one thats been bugging me for a while is that my family calls my grandfather "Popo" which is a cute name my cousin gave him as a kid, the only problem is when I say the family calls him Popo I mean really just me along with the little kids in family. I can't shake it though, my older cousins stopped calling him that like 4 or 5 years ago and just call him by his name, "Dick", and I feel super weird about calling my grandfather Dick. My grandfather is the most honest man on the planet, but I'm still suprised he hasn't called me a sissy girl for calling him "Popo" at the age of 18. He is one of those who joined the navy too, so at my age he was being yelled at by people, treated like junk, and here I am saying"Popo is there anything I can you at the grocery store" first off treating him like an old man like he's not capable of going to the store himself and then totally sucking up to him like I'm his bitch. It just is bad and it constantly happens. It also sucks that I talk to my dad about him and since he knows I call him Popo he calls him Popo to make it seem like even the big boys call him that, bless his heart. I'm okay with talking about him with other people and calling him "Popo" because I know the women in the family find it acceptable, but I just feel weird. I dropped off some boat part to him and he was on his on his friends boat and when I was leaving I didn't know how to say goodbye, like I had to say something, he's my grandfather, but I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his friend by saying, "Bye Popo", but I also didn't want to say,"Bye Grandpa" and throw him off, so I just said,"HEY! I'm leaving".
I told one person in my family my dilemma and that person blew up. She started saying,"It's not weird I call my grandmother Grammy" I said,"well your'e a women" then she decided to go in this approach,"well what else you going to call him, Big Dick?" "no" "You can't call him Small Dick, that can be offending and you can't call him Grandpa Dick because then he just seems old......yeah you're right, you are in a Dilemma"

Ta Da

I'm just sitting in a haunted room typing my ideas for this post. I stopped writing for a while and it kinda is embarrassing, I was posting like mad crazy until I realized I have the power to sleep away the day, so I am putting a stop to that. Today I was in the car with Ethan returning from the beach with no women riding with us and I started thinking"man I am fat, lazy, and losing my suave" so here is my "get life back together plan":

1. Wake up no later than 9:30am
2. Workout 4 days a week and run the rest
3. No fast food/less soda
4. Party like a rockstar

Thats pretty much it, I had spring break last week and I saved 15 bucks in gas by playing call of duty all week long, thats not good. When I was home schooled in 7th grade I watched tv a lot and when MTV had spring break week I always was like"That's me in college". People were drinking, getting with women, hanging at concerts, getting tan. It rained my special week and my stomach wasn't on par to get with smoking hot women. I understand that getting with women is over rated, but when people ask you"how was your spring break?" and you reply"I'm really good at throwing tomahawks in Call Of Duty now" rejection from hot women is even better than complaining about a butt sore. So I'm going to work on that.
 Ps Let me clear up my buddie Ethan last post wrote"for the record I have the smallest penis known to man kind" I didn't delete it the second time because I didn't notice it and its pretty funny.
I was thinking today"Jacob you gotta get an iphone so you can get a twitter, all comedian have twitters to prove they're funny". Lets break down that thought I had. "Jacob" good I'm getting my name right, "you gotta get an iphone so you can get a twitter" this is a serious thought and how dumb does that sound, I have to get an iphone to twitter, I guess you gotta punch me in the face if your mad too. No. Now that I'm typing this I can not sound more ridiculous. "all comedians have twitters to prove they're funny" I'm definitely pulling a smeagle on why I should steal the ring from Frodo, I have to convince myself that I have to prove I'm funny, which can only happen on twitter, but I can only access an account if I have an iphone? Retarded.
I don't understand why people who aren't entertaining are asking me to follow their twitter, why in the world would I want to follow somebody if there facebook status's are "gonna go ball it up" can you imagine how boring their twitter would be. If your posting on facebook stuff like that thinking people care, then thinking that"hey if I post every hour what I'm doing people will like it". I'm not a hater, but I believe in stupidity and the world is full of it. I really want to find somebody on this planet that cares that I ate a turkey sub. Before facebook people had this genius idea to keep all unnecessary thoughts in their head, but facebook greets everyone with"whats on your mind" which leads people to think the internet cares that "My bathroom's clean". Have you ever notice its the people who add you that post the pointless things? Its like the person is saying "People need to know that my brother is good at karate". I rambled a lot, but before I stop typing because I got a call to fight crime with Ethan this I think is funny.
A women texted me this week saying"I want a relationship where I don't have to care and I can practice hooking up, can you provide that?" which is a really funny question to ask a guy cause first off that sounds like a fake craigslist ad and a lot of guys dream about that, so of course I said "sure", 3 days later I'm thinking yeah but then I'm going to have to text her and hang out with someone I didn't plan on hanging out with, its just a hassle. I think thats funny, but then again that can just be an excuse for me to brag and turn down some blumkin action.

Running With the Bulls

So March 22, 2011 had a lot of events, but my favorite is running with the bulls. I'll start the day in order. So I was staying over at Ethan's house and we woke up at fricken 12 o' clock(we are on spring break) and Ethan goes"Man you gotta go Linda is coming over (she's his scary ex-stepmom) soon", so I get up and start moving. I go over to my grandparents to hang with my nanna and she is sitting there at the house watching"who killed who" shows, she tries to explain the reason why its on is because of my grandfather, its like Nanna you can always change the channel hellooooo. I just think thats funny, like me blaming my strange obsession with "The Dog Whisperer" because I happen to lose the remote every-time its on. So me and Nanna were watching cold case files trying to figure out if a multimillionaire business CEO killed his wife, he was found guilty, but I don't think he did it. I pulled out my computer and started teaching myself photoshop. After finishing this:

I was bored waiting on my friend James Mata(Him and my good looking ex girlfriend named Justine went to the beach without me). I decided now was the time for the perm I've been wanting to get. I want a perm just to be able to say I have, I'm aware that I probably won't be as good looking, but I'm not looking to get married now, so there's no woman that I'm out to impress. However, I went to Fantastic Sam's and the lady told me to sign in, I signed in and asked"how much is the perm?" "50 dollars" I scratched my name out and said"I'm going to find a cheaper place". Oh and real quick, just as a side note, I have the smallest penis in the world. I taught that Korean lady a lesson. I called James and told him I'm going to this barber shop on El Toro road that does it for 25 bucks, he said he wanted to be there to document it. I arrive at a shop, take a number and wait. I started noticing this barber shop is weird like they'll shave your beard or trim it for you(I kinda want to do that to feel like a man, but I just have random pube-like patches on my face after a week of no shaving and I'll say"one trim please, keep it simple" they'll say"get out" I'll say"no I'm a paying customer" they'll say"seriously, get out, I'm not touching that junk" and I'll boycott them from now on). They also charge you for your kid to sit on your lap, thats weyud, but if I had a kid and I payed $2.50 for them to sit on my lap I would just make it worth it like encourage it to fart loud or have it question the hairstylist like"My dad is lonely, are you lonely(assuming that the stylist was good looking). Anyway so I was just hanging for a 6 minutes to find out that the hair place next door does the perms, so I walked over and the lady said my hair is too short! Sorry I'm not giving you everything you need to work with Korean lady.
Me and James try to be indie like we try to take pictures and wear old clothes(James is wearing a nice red sweatshirt and we all know red aren't bulls favorite color), so when I called him and told him that my hair was too short we decided to go take pictures. I knew of this cool spot by my grandparents and as we are driving I see an old broken down car and cows on this big grassy path. I yell to James to stop the car and go back and he goes"Those aren't cows those are fucking bulls, look, they got horns!" I tell him that we'll be fine and its all about being spontaneous in life. James turns the car around and this is where the real story begins. We both have cameras so I know either way this story would be documented. When parking on the side of the road I start changing into clothes I can look good and run fast in, James is still trying to convince me we can die, he's like"You do realize a bull can kill us right? It has horns and can run faster than us", but I'm so focused about taking a picture next to him I'm saying "ohhhhhhhhh we'llll be fine don't worry about it". This field is surrounded by barbed wire so have to jump it James goes"We have to jump back over, and it wont be as easy as getting in so if we get chased....""Ohhhhhhhh we'llll be fine don't worry about it". We started climbing a monster of a hill to see the bulls were already waiting for us, they were just staring, the black mamba of that herd started walking closer, thats where I decided to turn back. James got all excited, but I was like we aren't going back to the car, we are just going the long way around. James and I used to run cross country in highschool, James now smokes on average 2 cigars a day, I have gained 20 pounds since highschool, we are out of breath hiking. When we got to the top of this monster hill out of sight from the horned monsters I saw a watering hole, so I decided to take a picture, but then me and James saw a tree like it was out of Lord of The Rings, so we ran over there to take some indie pics. By the time we finished, the bulls wised up and moved to our only exit out of there, so we did what we had to do, run down a steep cliff. We survived running down the cliff, barbed wire went in my hand trying to climb over, but I don't like to make a big deal about that. We survive this huge trip that took us an hour. From there we go to the Irvine Improv where I see a good looking performer who is 30 something, I flirt with her and she calls me kid. I'm still trying to get her see that I'm an adult, so hopefully that works out. The last part of the "Running with the Bulls" day me and Ethan sat around a jacuzzi and had a heart to heart talk, which is always the best.

(I will be adding pictures of this adventure once I'm done editing them)

Count It

I should be sad. I lost 500 dollars tonight. I should murder my friend who lost a good part of it. Yesterday I was blessed with 500 dollars from this guy named Cole, he just sent me 500 bucks, but in order to take it out I had to bet the same amount in my account. So I had to bet 500 dollars worth to take it out. I put in a bet(which won) and then got the text of what teams to pick to win money from Cole, well, I was at work when I got the text. So I called my business partner aka James Mata to put in the bets, I specifically tell him how much I want to put in and what to do. He can't do that. He puts in the wrong teams as in he puts Oakland Thunder instead of college basketball, he was supposed to put in the Kings NBA Basketball and he puts in Kings hockey. Whatever. It happens. So now I'm out of all my blessing because the Heat had to lose to the Trailblazers. Imagining my life has a laugh track helps get me through these moments. That is only that last 48 hours. Since my last posting I stayed in a haunted house by myself, talked to a stripper, made friends with my ex girlfriend, tried to help my friend lose his virginity, and tried to impress a women.
All I can tell you is that I survived the night, the stripper's name is Christina and she talks weird, my ex girlfriend Kristine said she never hated me and I said"I'm done hating you" and now I can stop acting scared about walking into golden spoon(she works there), I'm still trying to impress this women who is Ethan's girlfriend's bestfriend, but she doesn't text me back so who knows whats going on there? Not me.
I want to talk about the friend who was supposed to lose his virginity because that is fricken funny. This girl who is friends with this guy we work with sees my friends facebook and goes"wow I want to....."have sex with him"....now". So my buddie gets all pumped for this, I was 3rd wheel in this group of 5 and I did everything I could do to help him out. I got tickets to a comedy show, I drugged the girl, and I even yelled at her. All that would usually work, but to my friend, he couldn't get anything done. Long story short he didn't and his reaction to it was priceless. I was like "man you are one pathetic loser" quoting Dumb and Dumber and this is his reaction, "You know what man, I didn't even want to have sex with her, I didn't even want a kiss, she's more than a slut, I like talking to her, you might think she's a slut, but when she texts me, she's not". Comic gold. He defended her as his excuse why he didn't have sex with her. I think thats the funniest thing thats happened since my last post, but you might be a bigger of fan of me losing 500 dollars.

El Dorado "Where Dreams Are Made Of"

There is a reason the road to El Dorado hasn't been found. I went and looked for it at Morango indian casino, its not there. This was a venture I've been excited about for 2 months, I put money away for this event, I bought nice close to look good in, and I even managed to not tell my parents about it so they couldn't stop me from going. I went with 2 of my newest closest friends, Daniel Taghdiri and Alex Cedarholm. It was Alex's birthday last weekend, so his parents got him a room for us to gamble the night away. We all agreed this would be a fun time and they disagreed with me not finding the gold of el dorado. Dan and Alex did a lot of.....shit talking on the way up. Daniel thought I would lose everything and people would think I'm retarded for my outfit(nice white button down, gray tuxedo jacket, black bow tie, and blue volcom jeans) Alex just likes to comment on how I am homeless and shouldn't be spending "rent money" on something I'm bound to lose in. I don't know how long they will be my "newest closest friends". Nobody has faith in me on whatever I do, especially volleyball(I kick ass in volleyball).

The car ride was long because of traffic and Daniel getting frustrated with me, I did a lot of keeping quiet. After driving for 2 hours of tension in the car, we get there and it looks beautiful. If a building could be seductive it would be this building. The lights are flashing us, the tower is huge, and there great parking up top, if you know what I mean ;). On the lower level I think its funny they had V.I.P. parking for"tribal members only", I mean white people have so many benefits in life and these indian tribes think they put us down for walking 2 extra minutes? no. We park and walk inside and it is glorious. Daniel tells me to"stand by the mercedes" so they can go to check-out without me(its cheaper if they don't know I stayed with them). Keep in mind whatever I type about what I did people had no faith in me, they thought I'd be drowning all trip. I walk over to roulette and put 5 dollars in(its electronic) I win 10, I walk around some more. I notice Dan and Alex are looking for me like I'm their missing child since I'm not by the mercedes, but then they finally see me and I show them a thumbs up and they laugh at "how stupid I look". That is the face I saw all trip. They get the room and I throw 20 on blackjack and they are like shit thats expensive(its my second time there, I know, I'm badass). I win 50. We go to the room and they keep thinking its dumb luck. Whatever. Alex writes a note that says"Jacob will lose all his money by the morning" and posts it up on a wall, so we can all see it. We go back downstairs and I'm finally dressed in my winning attire. Alex and Dan decide to go to the buffet to get food, I am not hungry and play blackjack, they come back after 30 minutes and I am up 100.

I am usually a loud person when it comes down to winning and victory speeches, but when I'm winning with skill instead of luck I shutup real quick and pay attention. A casino isn't the best place to be a comic anyway, people don't usually laugh at"better not screw it up for us" when 100 dollars is on the line for them, especially when they better not screw it up when its the last of what they got. I'm hot all night, of course I lose hands, but I'm betting smart as in I don't throw my money on 1 bet, I take baby steps. Alex, Dan, and Daniel's brother Andrew(he showed up a little later) are amazed how I'm winning. I get so cocky I give probably in total of the whole night give 110 bucks in chips to them, Daniel alone loses 80 of it. Daniel for the one talking the most shit has lost everything by now, he attempts to win it all back on electronic roulette and loses it all on going back to blackjack. He's probably the dumbest friend ever. Alex and Andrew both won 100 on poker which means....they are now even. I max up on 400 bucks up, but lost some of it when my table closed(last time I went there was a table where I literally won all my money back). The group stops talking to me since I am so much better than them. I gamble most of it away until 5am then wakeup at 11am to make my 150 400 again. I was on the right road until Carl showed up. Ef this dealer, some dealers are super cool and help you out big time, some dealers are rude and don't give a shit for you, and some dealers are quiet, don't have an opinion, and watch you lose your money slowly. Meet Carl. I was back to 250. It was 12:30, Dan had work at 3. I thought my "friends" would pull me away, so we could go, but no. I had to give them one final memory. I. Lost. It. All. I get excited over winning, but I make a bigger scene when I lose. I started yelling, telling Carl that every card he flips over is"gay" and he"can go f himself". The security guard was right behind me, Daniel is crying of laughter, and my clothes are in Walmart plastic bags because I don't have a suite case . I legitimately looked like I was"a homeless person who was gambling rent money". I thought I found El Dorado, but I found myself instead being 80 dollars under. The one thing that kept me sain leaving was"I expected to spend 100 bucks here, so its like I'm walking away with 20", yup, thats what I said.

Quotes while walking out"You're so retarded"says Dan, "That sucks" says Andrew,"I wish we had that note that says you were going to lose it all in the morning still" says Alex.

The final score of the trip, Andrew: +100, Alex: even, Jacob:-80, Daniel:-200.

UPDATE: Due to Daniel feeling stupid he wants me to say he lost "only 100" dollars.

Here are my work dope rhymes:
bitches be like..spoiled brats/my destination crosses lots of black cats/cant see the truth with the mirror smashed/i prefer the crank that over the monster mash/you can't take the thug out of my habitat/if i took your fame you can have it back/ill fight your anger with my laugh attack/my farts are bad, so i sit in the back of class/i always finish in the front, you are in last/root word to my name is cadalac/i swear ive earned all of lifes scooby snacks

the world is meant to see differently/thats why we have all these fun mysterys

giving something up that you dont want/is like selling at store bought

So I'm at work and this man named Armondo mocks me by saying he is 2 times the age of me. He kept saying how he was so old, so I ask"how was world war 2?" he says"we kicked some Vietnamese ass out there"

I Need an Audience

I don't really need an audience, but shit if they put me on MTV people would think that its okay to have the same thoughts. I'm real, I will standup and go to the bathroom, but before I go I will stretch and say to the person I'm standing over"I'm checking your text messages don't mind me". I'm not actually looking, but people actually do that, they will do whatever it takes to see what the other person is saying. People are weird, but not open about it, everybody has a side to them that they don't want people to see. Even though I try to be real with everyone, there is a side to me I don't want people to see, I'm selfish and greedy, whatever, it happens. I have a different side for everyone, I don't want my mormon friends to see that I curse, I don't want my grandparents to see how I am disrespectful to my parents, I don't want my friends to see how I flirt with women. It's weird, but its real. I sometimes think of life like a basketball game, like I may fall dramatically to get the free throw, but I'm not actually hurt. Not enough people ask questions on life, people walk around assuming they know how everything works. I don't even ask enough questions. I'm very strong minded on whatever information I know. If there is a dead space during conversation I'll tell the person"So who do you want to talk shit on? If you bring up a topic I got something against them" people think its a joke because it is, but deep down I mean it, if you are sitting in a room with me and we got nothing, I'll judge anything. Horrible trait about myself.
I want to talk about this: 2 days ago I got an email about a woman who is dieing and she wants to give her inheritance of 8.5 million away to someone who can help out humanity in some way. I got this email in my spam box and read it and thought it was a huge joke. Here is the email
"

ATTENTION With Due Respect an Humanity, I was compelled to write to you under a humanitarian ground. My name is Alimat Hassan From Benin, I am 25yrs old; I am daughter to late Dr. Henry Hassan. a contractor and diamond dealer for Thirty-two years before he died in the year 2005. After a Cardiac Arteries Operation. I am the only child. And Recently, My Doctor told me that I would not last for the next six months due to my cancer problem (cancer of the lever and stroke). When my late Father was alive he deposited the sum of $8. 5. Million in one security company here in Cotonou,Benin Republic for safe keeping. Presently this money is still in the Cotonou,Benin Republic as soon as i hear from you i we give you the contact. for you to contact them. Having known my condition I decided to hand over this money to your care and if you know that you will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct you herein, I will be very happy to do so ensh GOD. I will want you to use this money according to the desire of my late. Father, to use it for investment, orphanages, and using it to propagating the word of GOD. I want you to know that I took this decision because I dont have any sister nor brother that will inherit this money, and I dont want this money to be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision to hand you over this money to your hand. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I want you to always remember me in your daily prayers because of my up coming Cancer Surgery. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I have stated herein. Hope to receive your urgent reply. Due to the present condition of my health, I was warned by my doctor to avoid receiving or making any call. You can always reach me through this mail.  Yours Sister  Miss.Alimat Hassan"

I thought it was a joke because I didn't know what was what so I responded"Sure when do I pick it up?"
then the weirdest thing happened. She replied! She sent more details, a picture of herself, and a picture of the document. I was blown away. I know that this most likely isn't ever going to happen, it just doesn't make sense. But her new email said she wanted to know more about me, so she knew who she was talking to and I didn't know what to say. I was sitting there with Ethan and he was like "Can you imagine all that weed?(inside joke)", but it really got me thinking, how could I help the community? What would I contribute? How do I explain who I am in an email? I couldn't explain in an email. How do you sum up your life to a stranger in an email? You can't unless you're asked that question a lot. I just responded I live in California and I want to be a standup comic and my dream job is to make people laugh in hospitals. I said something about how life is never meaningless everybody has a reason to wake-up in the morning because she said she saw no purpose in life. That was that story. She hasn't responded, but it makes you think. I think the whole point I'm trying to make in this post is be real with yourself when thinking what kind of person you are. I'm pretty sure this was a huge ramble, but If I make sense to anyone thats cool. If you read this far into the post then I'll just assume you want to be part of the audience ;)

Valentines Day.

Every valentines day kids buy chocolates and roses trying to be romantic because the chances of them getting laid is higher. I wasn't having any of that this year. Ethan, Daniel Taghdiri, and my dad were my Valentines. Ya I said it. 3 guys. I still wanted to feel the love without actually feeling the love.

Mr. Saulcito's Lecture for Chapter 5

This teacher I don't like and today I decided to take his powerpoint lectures and simplify them, so I took out all the big words that were just space. This is chapter 5: Business Management. Ps. He's a coach of comedy for the guy in the video at the bottom.

• Good managers do the right thing and accomplish goals at cheaper price
• Make sure you manage correctly
• Managers=leaders
• The organization of organizing process must take time
• Leaders=guide and motivate
• Controlling process=make sure organization is meeting its goals

(Explains for 10 minutes on how the school is offering classes in March)

• Managers are different. There are top managers, middle managers, and lower managers

(Spends 6 minutes explaining that you will not have a job in the work force if you can't work with a computer. Heres his joke:" Go apply at Target, and ask for an application, they'll be like sure its on the computer. You won't be able to get a job.")

• Biggest time wasters
• paper work
• email
• telephone
• meetings

(Spends 8 minutes explaining checking email at work is bad. "When you open it you have a decision, do you trash it?, read it?, or respond to it?".......heres a couple jokes of his"My brother called me last week hahaha I'm laughing because I still haven't called him back""Email? We are at the point I think where we don't have to respond to every email.....we dont even have to read them either in fact!". Here he is giving life advice"The best strategy which is what I do is open your email, close it, and open it back in 2 hours".)
This class was an hour and a half. I quote him word for word.

Can't Stop Partying

I can't stop. I won't stop. I'm sick with some virus and it doesn't stop me. Entertain a whole class, can't stop. Pushing cars for people, won't stop. Being "called out" over facebook to fight, won't stop.
Heres just 1 day of whatevers to me. I'm easily entertained so its not like my life can get boring, but I naturally run into these situations. I don't force fun because then telling the story of it isn't as fun and unpredictable.
Heres my Friday February 11, 2011.
I logg on facebook at 12am and the day has already started with this guy Bobby Browne calling me out over facebook.

This is why I am naturally entertaining. I did nothing for this, you can see he has no reason and it just sits perfectly on my lap for me to talk about. He says I talk shit. Okay. I'll talk shit, 1 of the people that 'liked' this status aka one of Bobbys friends is named Brandon Zinzafuck and he has a restraining order for being a freaking creep and going to my neighbors games by himself. Theres more. I sent a message to him with this picture a couple months ago:

I photoshopped this with a picture he had on facebook.

and not only did he tell my neighbors like a bitch, he cried. He walked away crying. My neighbors thought he was a perfect piece of shit. No. So theres an idea for the people that hate on me. If anyone who hates me reads this(which they will). He put this picture on the internet making it public for the world to see it, I didn't break any laws on this. So back to my day. I went to bed thinking to myself"wow, Bobby may be retarded" I can take a picture of the whole thing and if he really wanted to come after me, I can show the police and that would end that. I leave to take the snapshot in the morning hoping maybe he smarted up and deleted the post. No. He didn't.

We'll get back to this, I went to philosophy feeling like crap and just sat there, I don't like my teacher, he reminds me of my science teacher when I was in 9th grade and I did not like that man. Me and Ethan showed up late, so it was the first time we didn't sit next to each other(this is a 4 hour long class). I sit next to some attractive people and start talking, the attractive people like me. When class finally gets out I check my voicemail since I got a call from some weird number. Its the Wipe Out office and they say they like my stuff(I'll make a post of that story soon) all I need is an online profile(which I made later that night). After class Ethan needed to get some school supplies and I thought I would give him company to staples which is literally right down the hill from where we live. When we get in the car he shows me his fancy "Red Bull". I'm not impressed, I hate energy drinks. I try to hurry him up to just get stuff done, but the car is having trouble to start and when it does start up, it doesnt for long. My friend Ethan and Kelsey have always wanted to drive until they ran out of gas because it seems"fun". Its not fun. I had to get out and push when I was sick, but when we finally got it to the Chevron down the hill, where there where mexicans working at the car wash. It wasn't easy, we needed this mans assistance and when we finally got it up the slope, Ethan didn't say"thank you", he said"gracias". I think thats pretty funny. It didn't even occur to him. As he is paying for gas all I have to say is"What happened to your wings?".

I usually have work on Fridays, but I got it off because I wasn't feeling good, so I go to my grandparents instead and log on facebook. Bobby just kept it up and my buddie Daniel Taghdiri defends me like the sweetheart he is. Bobby's post is getting some attention, so this is what I do. I post this"hey bobby I took a picture of this post so if you come anywhere near me, I'll make this a big deal, you can try and make up excuses why you want to hit me, but earlier you say you have no reason. I know you wanted to seem badass by putting this as a status so everyone can see, but you're retarded and I'm not going to fight you. Keep blowing up though its been entertaining for a lot of people. 

PS call me a fag all you want, but I don't get offended like you do when I say you're retarded. So please keep hating on me, it does nothing." This is what he does, he deletes me from his friends list and deletes the post like a little girl. My friend Dan sends the same thing saying"hey Jacob meant to send this to you....", but he deletes that like a little girl. So now he is the only one who is allowed to say shit on his post I guess cause he's super baddass? Whatever. I send him this message.

Heres a tip. If you're trying not to prove my point of you being retarded, learn to spell correctly. We didn't fight. We won't fight. Can't stop. Won't stop.
Ps. All my posts are real. You can laugh, Bobby's after me not you.

The Day Me and Ethan Ruled the World

Today, February 10, 2011-a date that will live in infamy-Jacob Perkins and Ethan Hall of Foothill Ranch California, were suddenly and deliberately attacked by Mr. Salcito and his fat stomach. Business Tuesday/Thursday from 10:15am-11:40am.
(I tried to make it like the Pearl Harbor speech)
If you havent read before Mr. Salcito is a fat man that pisses me off because he is a horrible teacher and can't do anything right, but I have to go to his class or my grandparents will get upset. Me and Ethan were in class just sitting there, Ethan was watching the clock, I was saying smartass comments to the class. For example Mr. Salcito was writing on the board and I go"Strong has an R in it", he was talking about how Walmart has everything for like 6 minutes as an example for his lecture and I go"yeah they even have electronics". He might think I'm retarded, but I am openly mocking him. He wasn't even teaching, the book from which he was reading from, didn't have a certain definition for him to talk about so there was a 25 second pause because he didn't know how to explain"National Competitive Advantages".
I look over at Ethan who is just looking at the clock and he writes down on paper(we sit right next to each other)"Wanna get out of here?" I look at him him and say "yes" so fast. We start gathering our notebook stuff and I look at our "friend" who is taking notes. I say"write all the notes for us", he says"all of them are online". Why the hell do I go to this class. Me and Ethan standup in the middle of a lecture and leave, but as I'm walking down the isle my oakley key chain gets caught on a desk and makes TONS of noise. Me and Ethan walked out of Mr. Salcito's class with the biggest "F you", not only do we leave in the middle of a lecture, we do it so loud that all the focus is off him and on us. I've done rude things before, but I have never felt so powerful walking away in a situation. It was obvious we hated being there, the class was envious, I know because nobody enjoys listening to a man describe drinking juice like sucking a dick. Mr. Salcito took time explaining how he tasted a juice that was called "Grape Sack", but the whole class didn't understand he was saying"sack" so he clarified it 3 times and I said "sack?" under my breath and he was like "Yes Grape SACK". He started saying the juice was thick like a loogie and his kids loved it and couldn't get enough. So I got a mental applause while leaving that class and felt like a king. I am king.