Naturally Entertaining: Currently My Favorite

Well this is going to be one of my favorite stories. Ever. It may just be a you-had-to-be-there story or it maybe it will make you laugh your faces off. Last week my buddie texted me saying"Party far away are you down?". Yes. I find the deets, the adventure starts on a beautiful Saturday. This party is 5 hours away and I have work in the morning, but I'm willing to be spontaneous. I had this huge dinner date with cinnamon toast crunch, but I stood it up for this kinda thing. The trip starts and of course it is full of laughs with all the excitement and adrenaline, we have a long way ahead of us but it was looked at as a good bonding moment. I bonded with my buddies Jordan Limbo and James Mata, the perfect number of people, 3, the best personalities mixed, loud, quiet, neutral, and all of us good looking. We are in for a night of our lives. We didn't understand how far away 5 hours is of constant driving so we took it easy, made a couple pit stops, bought a lot of food, and lied to our connections. The people we knew would call and they said"How far are you away?" James just got an iphone that day so he said"3 hours" Jordan would tell them "2". The whole trip we lied to our friends, so they thought we were never coming up, like they'd call and we'd say we are 30 minutes away when we had an hour and a half. Its happened all night, but since we were running late with all of our stops, we had to cut down on time and the only way we could do that without speeding even more is: going to the bathroom while driving. Picture the Dumb and Dumber scene when Jim Carrey is peeing in a bottle so that they can get away from Seabass, but the driver has to pee. We are flying at 85 in bat-country when Jordan decides to go"I gotta pee" I was like"well stop" he said"nope can't do it, no time, we gotta keep driving"(I'm riding passenger seat and James is passed out in the back). Jordan says"I'm going to put the car in cruise control, you get in the back while I switch seats and drive" I said "no" a bunch of times, but Jordan wanted this moment to say he actually did this instead of talking about he did. I climbed in the back, stood over james, he woke up and freaked out like why am I standing over him while the car is driving with nobody in the drivers seat....yet. I climbed into the seat to start driving, Jordan went to pee and couldn't. Me and James starting singing"Shy guy shy guy" we teased him like little girls on the playground saying"na nana na nana" Jordan couldn't pee for a while and it was great cause when you talk big about getting with women as much as he did you better be able to pee in a cup with your best friends surrounding you. We finally are within 20 minutes away and the crew says to me"Don't be yourself Jake" and I laughed because I thought it was a joke, no, they were serious. My sense of humor comes off me being a "dick", but to me everything is a joke, so when I say"you're probably the dumbest women here" I don't mean it at all, but only a hand full of people understand that. So I told myself I will take it easy and not be so bold, kinda let things just happen and not force anything, thats probably the biggest factor I had so much fun. We get to the party and it is bumpin, after finding a parking spot we all rush out to get a piece of the action, but we are all wearing flannels and we didn't know it, so the women walking behind us kept on going"I didn't know this was a flannel party, thats cute they all drove together wearing the same outfits....ect". Heres a couple things, I'm embarrassed right now that women are mocking me already, but I know they wouldn't be doing it like they were if they weren't drunk, so I knew:

We showed up Fashionably late.
Girls are going to be easy to impress
And I'm perfectly sober to watch life's greatest entertainment; drunk bitches.

We were able to contact our friends from the party, get passed security and watch one of my favorite nights unfold. We walked straight in the house first to get some buzz before we go out there. Now our friends house is the house in between the party, so the people that can't get in try to get through security use the house to cross over or people try to come in to save time or use the bathroom. People were going crazy trying to break in, making up stories to say they are connected to the frat/sorority some how, claiming they left something inside the house, or even picking up a drunk friend left in the bathroom. Meet Samantha. I've been in the house for 2 minutes now and I've dealt with a douche bag that sent me to security twice even though I was confirmed by multiple people and people claiming they want to pickup Samantha. I don't know anyone here besides my friends I drove up with and the ones I met in that 2 minutes, so I don't know who the hell Samantha is and people in the house are telling me to shut the door its just a bunch of women lying trying to get in. I shut the door and out of the bathroom comes Samantha with her hand over her mouth screaming"jkvbcakjvnelkqn" and literally right after I hear somebody yell"Samantha get back in there" like she's a prisoner and Samantha just screeches high pitch complaints while scurrying over like a squirrel to the bathroom. It was going to be a good night. My friend Jordan took fancy to this girl who had her boobs hanging out so anything she said was right"This isn't even a crazy party I'm from Hollywood and we do this every night" "Yeah baby you can party hard, you can party all night long" When clearly she can't cause her tit is coming out constantly. Jordan calls her"the Rack" and the Rack sees all the people trying to bust in and says"I'm a boxer I'll take any bitch out" so I say"Yeah? Show me your Muhammad ali float like a butterfly sting like a bee"(she starts swinging away at air) Jordan says"Look at you baby nothing can stop you" and the Rack goes"I know I box with professionals". I live for this stuff. We start drinking to get things going for us since its already 10:30pm so me and Jordan do around 5 shots and we are good, James keeps going I counted 8 all within 2 minutes. James is somewhat of an alcoholic, he loves getting drunk and doing it fast. Me and Jordan want to actually remember the night. We do our shots and go outside and the party is bumbin. The theme is around the world so around this DJ they have 3 open bars titled: China, Mexico, and Hawaii because Hawaii is equally important to some of the biggest countries. As we are going to the bars we are seeing they are all out, we showed up too late, but then the delivery boy comes to the bar with more handles and that was like money on the floor, people just scrambled to get 1. We got 2. We head over to Mexico and just love each other, yell unimportant facts, and slap women's butts. Jordan found it to be a game to grab a women's boob right in front of her or slap her butt to get a reaction. He played this well because the whole night he got away with it, accept once. Since he would walk in front of me women thought I was slapping their butts when we passed them. Women were drunk so he could easily tell them it was somebody else if he got caught, but this one time James is standing next to a women who has her boob out so Jordan slides his hand around James like a snake to grab her boob, but she was able to trace back the hand to his arm and even still it wasn't like she got mad with him, he just got caught. Mexico is poppin' everybody is just pouring handles into each others mouths like water out of a drinking fountain and Jordan and James start hyping me up to this girl. They tell this girl I'm going to be famous and a millionaire by being a standup comedian, they say I'm hilarious and a "one of a kind". If I was acting myself I would've already said all that by now. The girl starts looking at me like I'm Fabio and I get with her, but it was weird because I'm drunk but not enough to forget I'm surrounded by people and her best friends, so I feel weird and just offer to go somewhere else, she says"No I can't I have a boyfriend"......then dress like an amish lady not like a lady who gets down in Mexico. I take a couple sips of the magic water and even though I remember what happened I don't know what thoughts made me do it. Jordan tells me to grab some booty I hold on to booties, the longer the better, and if I get caught the harder the laugh. The group decides to go check out China and China is now next to the piss river, but it still happens to be a poppin' place. The group some how splits up so Jordan goes with our friends from the party and me and James hang out in China. Since I'm drunk I am fine with that, I find this girl who I know was hot, I know this for a fact, we were talking, flirting back in forth which may have sounded like"yourrrrrr pretttvy" and she was like"ahhh yourrrrrrr so cheeeeesvy I luv it". I ask her to go to a room, she goes"Let me tell my friends". Yes. I win. Point one for the boys back home. No. As I'm walking away with her this big lady resting against the pole holding "China" together, she grabs my shoulder and I don't know what happenned here, but we made eye contact and she pulled me forward to makeout with her. Now I knew my hot girl existed and I tried to pull away, but I think I went in for a kiss and goodbye, but she wanted dinner and a movie if you know what I mean. So I gave her a kiss, look for my girl, she pulls me back and starts smashing with my face. Her friends start cheering"Go Melissa!" like its okay to rape me and say"Its your birthday!" like they either just remembered or they were acting like Tina the Talking Tummy deserved some action from me because it was her birthday. I couldn't escape Melissa maybe because it was her birthday, or maybe shes stronger than me, or maybe I enjoyed a good time with a big girl and when I say big I'm not talking Norbit big I'm talking some girls have booties you have 1 hand and takes over a good part of the cheek, but Melissa required a little more work than one hand to take a whole cheek. Thats the best I can describe her besides having a pretty face and a shitty purple 15 cent crown from Party City saying"Birthday Girl". I got with a big chick. Whatever. I remember she was nice enough to consider to take her into a room. I know it sounds bad as I described her, but theres no way I can find her on facebook to see what I was really dealing with. I asked her to go to a room and she said"I can't leave my friends" um well the hot chick you stole me from was willing to call it a night with her friends, your friends barely know its your birthday. I lost enthusiasm and tried to leave, but she took my beanie off and threw it somewhere off the ground so I had to look for it in her little area she posted up with. Believe me, she kept pulling me closer, I know I could've knocked her teeth out or something, but I was drunk. The cops come and this is when I can't fully remember every event. I just remember me and Melissa got together for around 5 minutes and I lost James, so when I finally looked up I saw him walking around, I felt so bad because I completely left him to travel "China" alone. I find him and I say"I'm so sorry man, are you okay" and he says"Dude I just got with 3 girls", classic. I get a text from Jordan saying"Go to Mexico", but I don't remember how I initially found him because my memory starts up again with just me, Jordan, and James hanging in the house, without our friends that live there. We couldn't find them, but while waiting on the couch these good looking women are just waiting for their friend too, so I start to talk to them. They ask me where I go to school I say "SFS" and the girls go "huh?" I tell them I call "SFS" San Francisco state because thats what the locals call it. I make a fake identity because community college is so boring and its fun to be anything you want in the world if you're a good lier. The girl goes"Oh my gosh I live there!" my stomach sinks in, she was asking me about restraunts and attractions. I've never been to San Francisco, my knowledge of what actually goes down there is that they have Alcatraz and a flamboyant gay community, so I tell her"Yeah I just started going there, I don't know much" BOOM! Sold it right to a drunk girl. Conversation dies, but we hear of a party near by, so we head over there hoping that our friends are there. We walk over and this place is like every guy brought there girl that they had from the party next door and all I'm thinking is "I am so glad I don't have to hang out with Melissa and her friends for the rest of the night". Our friends aren't there, but the douche who questioned me at the beginning of the party is and he is drunk. He starts picking a fight with this guy in the front lawn and starts taking off his clothing, me and Jordan start chanting"Fight! Fight! Fight!", which isn't the best thing to do when you know nobody and your friends you do know are missing, plus he didn't like me from earlier I'm sure. We walk across and find our friends, but James is passed out drunk in the house, so we take our friends in the house they get me a pull-out couch then we go find James. James is up against a door claiming he's been trying to open it for hours when we've only been there for 3, the door won't open I give up, leave our friends with James to figure out how to bust into their own room. I crash out on the pull-out couch without a pillow and a super shitty blanket and I heard James kick down the door and that was the night. James kicked down a door to this girls room we met and hooked up with her, that is what a lumberjack is, so James if you read this, respect.
We woke up and we had to go because me and James had work, but I needed to find my beanie that Melissa threw, so I go outside to find it with James, but it is nowhere to be found. While We're out there James remembers nothing from the night so I have to tell him he "he hooked up with 3 girls within 5 minutes", but he remembers nothing. I don't find my beanie, but I find some friends I made last night and we started talking about the party. Apparently for the 3 open bars the people in charge wanted to decorate the area more fun, so they took bottles of captain morgan and filled it with highlighter chemicals and water to make it look cool, but when the bars started running out of stuff people started drinking this chemical water. I was staring at bottle that was half filled and you know that person took at least 2 sips. Classic. We made our goodbye with our friends and headed home. It was the night of our lives, obviously I can't type everything that happened, but I hopefully I gave enough details to tell it was a good night. I did eat fast food, but I managed to party like a rockstar with the unknown legend Melissa and that is worth breaking a rule.